Case #7, Marguerite

 

“Yeah, I do their hair…What of it? Look, girl, I’m not like the rest of these freaks you got in here. I think you’re worrying over nothin’, Doc. Okay, yeah, there was that one incident with Thor but…like does he have to always call himself the Son of Odin? It gets old.

“So I chopped off more than I should have. Big deal. It’ll grow back. Besides, his ends were splitting from the bleach…What? You didn’t know that? Yeah, he bleaches his hair to get itsteve rogers.gif a little lighter. Needs help, unlike that handsome piece of man, Steve Rogers. Makes me wanna be America cause he is one fine Captain, you know what I’m saying? Don’t roll your eyes at me, Doc. I know you’ve noticed at least one Avenger in your lifetime, or are you a Loki girl? You look like a Loki girl.

“Anyways, I just figured, Prince Lightening-Bolt Thunder Hammer needed to calm down with his pompous nonsense. So he got a little trim…Okay, it was a shave. Sue me.

“Say, Doc, your hair looks like it could use some layering…”

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Case #6: Lillian Branski

Dr. Leopardskin: What is it like working for Cruella De Vil?

Lillian: You know, I have this re-occurring nightmare where I am in her office and she keeps telling me to get Harper’s Bazaar on the phone, and I look down and my hands have been replaced by mink fur muffs. So, I can’t get Harper’s Bazaar on the phone.

She starts yelling, “GET HARPER’S BAZAAR ON THE PHONE!!!” I tell her I can’t, and she clubs a baby seal. She yells again. I tell her my hands are muffs, and she clubs another baby seal. This goes on until a pile of baby seals starts to form. She manic laughs as she clubs more baby seals. I still can’t get Harper’s Bazaar on phone, and then, Gene Kelly rises out of the dead baby seal mountain, and he’s just about to do his Singin’ in the Rain routine when I wake up in a cold sweat.

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Ms. De Vil terrifies me. She’s pretty much ruined Gene Kelly for me. I can’t look at a baby seal without fainting. You know, she made Diana Vreeland cry once.

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Yes, the Diana Vreeland of Vogue, the former reigning queen of fashion.

Well, we were at a meeting for Ms. De Vil’s feature in the magazine, and Diana told Ms. De Vil that her armadillo berets (from three seasons ago, mind you) were atrocious and that she wasn’t going to use them in her magazine, ever.

Ms. De Vil stood up, practically cheek to cheek with Diana, and told her that her face was atrocious, so atrocious that it would make a fabulous beret. Diana’s face melted! Can you believe it?! Oh! And one time, she made the Smithsonian clone the wooly mammoth so that she could turn it into a coat with a matching hat and gloves.

She’s such a horrible person. She hates puppies. She treats me like crap, and on every third Wednesday, she drinks the blood of virgins. I know this because I have to warm it up to 97.8 degrees and add half a teaspoon of vanilla grown by shamans in Madagascar because she likes the sweet/irony combo. The stuff has to be served to her in a hand-blown crystal chalice from Northern France, or else she’ll throw it in my face.

It doesn’t taste half bad, actually.

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Dr. Leopardskin: Your boss sounds like a very toxic person, Lillian. I think you should consider finding a job that is more suitable for a healthy psyche.

Lillian: (looks appalled) Are you kidding me?! Cruella De Vil is the most fabulous, most powerful woman on the planet! I want to be just like her!

-Lillian Branski, assistant to Cruella De Vil, London, UK.

101 Dalmatians (1961)

 

 

 

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Case #5, Marty

“JESSICA JONES IS A MENACE! No, I do not want more pills… Do you know what it is to be her downstairs neighbor? The racket alone is liable to make you insane. I went up there one time to see what it was. The child had no glass in her door, there were holes in the walls and everything. It’d be okay if she was nice once in a while, but I’ve never met someone ruder in my life. You know, back in my day, we had respect for our elders. Not this one, though.Jessica Jones 2

“She just breezed on past me, called me ‘Gramps’ and—why are you rolling your eyes at me? Don’t you roll your eyes at me young lady. I don’t care if you are my doctor. Do you know what it’s like? Not sleeping? It’s horrible. I barely can get up and go to the park for my daily chess matches with Arnie. You know, Arnie makes the best pastrami sandwiches. Yeah, for real. If you would stop rolling your eyes, I might get one for you Dr. Stardust. What is that you’re pouring in your glass? That better be tea, Missy. Do you know how unattractive it is for a woman to drink so much? Might be why you’re still single. You and Jessica have that drinking thing in common. Better be all you have in common.

“Jessica Jones and the company she keeps are impossibly loud. They’re all rude, too. She’s got like, what, a tweaker? Is that what they’re called these days? A pretty blonde who’s up to know good. That blonde from the radio, Trish-something-or-other. Pretty girl, but no respect, that one. I don’t like anyone who goes stomping through that apartment. Except, that one time, with the lad in the purple suit. He was from England, I think. Yes, he was quite nice.”

 

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Riley, Case #4, Report #1

 

Doctor’s note: This patient required extensive care. The transcripts are having to be broken up do to the sheer volume of content. The patient’s…condition…is quite fascinating.

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“Um, yeah, hi… this is so embarrassing. Thanks for seeing me outside of group, Dr. Stardust.

I think I have feelings? Like…for this guy. I really shouldn’t though. I know he’s probably not good—for me. For anyone, maybe. I know you know about my breakdown I had at work. It’s why I’m here.

“I work at a taco shop…I’m a delivery girl. Ordinarily, I don’t care too much about the job.deadpool 4.jpg It’s dull, I work the late shift, and kind of tiring when you’re in a city. But hey, it helps me pay my rent. Until I can get an acting gig. Most people think it’s stupid for me to have these dreams, but I wanna do it, you know? Prove them wrong..see my name in lights, the whole cliche. I’m from a small town in Ohio, so I know just how cliche it really is.

“Anyways, about a year ago, we started getting orders from this guy for an obscene amount of tacos. Several times a week. Always really late. Apparently he was really funny on the phone. Always said the craziest things. The girls said he had a really hot voice. I couldn’t care less. Until I was the one who finally had to deliver his tacos. I was told to knock on the door, leave the tacos, he’d slip the money under the door, and I’d leave.

“When he opened the door, though, I nearly tased him, I was so shocked. I always have a taser on me…since the Incident. My sister lives in Hell’s Kitchen. She’s more paranoid than I am. Anyways, he was wearing this body suit…leather I think, red and black. He had a matching mask, covering his entire face, with large white eyes…They was oddly expressive.

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“I said point blank that he was one of them. I don’t know why I said that…must have been shock. He laughed at me…saying he preferred the term ‘costumed freak’. Then he realized my hand was around a taser. He told me that he wouldn’t do that if he was me. I told him I wasn’t planning on doing it now.

“He patted my head a bit like one would do a dog, called me a ‘good girl’, grabbed the tacos, paid, and shut the door in my face. I didn’t tell anyone at work that I had seen him, but they all did start to think it was strange when he would request that I be the delivery girl. He was weird, like, sometimes he would say things, but not to me. He would look directly behind me, and say things like someone was there, but it was an empty hallway. I don’t know how to explain that one.

“So, I got to know Wade some. He finally told me his name, stuck out his hand, made it real formal. I couldn’t help but laugh at that. He was wearing a tie over his costume. I always got the vibe that he was flirting with me. I also got the vibe that he flirted with everyone. But I didn’t mind. I was starting to get a crush.

“I asked him what his sign was once…trying to be cute…He shrugged and asked why people kept asking him that. Then he said, ‘Cancer’…and shut the door in my face.”

*tape cuts here*

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Star Wars Study, Case #3: Bibbe Rhodesian

“You see this girl. What’s her name… Ron… Rye… Rey! That’s it! Rey, like my late Uncle Rey-Rey. Rest his soul.”

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“Can you believe she’s in that new documentary about war the between The First Order and The Resistance? She’s practically a celebrity now, with having The Force and all. I just wish that she would’ve come into the boutique to see me first before she ran over all place in those butt awful rags I gave her a light-year ago.

(whispers) You know she’s an orphan right. Poor thing. She was barely out of her training bras when she came into my boutique, Couture Creations by Bibbe — I specialize in the finest couture creations in Jakku. Anyone who’s anyone on this planet shops with me because I’m the best, obviously. Anyway, the girl walks in just filthy, covered in sand, hair a mess, tore up from the floor up. She looked as hungry as a wookie at a human barbeque. I could not deal. I asked her where her folks were. She said that they just basically dropped her off in the middle of the desert and said they’d be back.

What kind of crazy shit is that to do to a child?!

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So, I do my good deed for the day, feed her and clean her up. I make clothes for sophisticated grown-ups, so I didn’t have anything for her to wear. I grabbed an old t-shirt and rummaged through the strap fabrics I had left over from my Nomadic Sand Goddess collection that year, which was the talk of the desert by the way.

Anyway, I found enough to throw together some capris, but it gets super hot on Jakku, and the girl is as white as a Storm Trooper uniform. So, I got the last minute idea to drape her in the fabric that was left and wrap her arms with bandages from that first aid kit I never used. I gave her something to wrap her head with for the sandstorms and heat, but those hideous goggles she had on, child. Those had nothing to do with me. I would have burned them and buried the ashes. They’re that hideous.

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Despite her terrible sense of style, I’m quite proud of Rey. I offered her a place to stay and a job in the boutique, but she chose to go it alone, just in case her folks came looking for her…(long awkward pause). But now, look at her. She’s famous! I’m sure I had a tiny part in her becoming a star and all. I just wish she would’ve worn that same outfit for so long. It’s tragic. I just hope she has a stylist now. If not, tell her to call me.”

– Bibbe Rhodesian, owner of Couture Creations by Bibbe, Jakku.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)

 

 

 

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Case#2, Adelaide Hux

5EIH980I just… I’m just really stressed. Can I get a drink of water? Ah yes, thank you.

I know everyone thinks I just got this job because of my cousin, General Hux, but I have more talent than that daft, soulless ginger—everyone at home knows it. Only time I get any appreciation is around the holidays. Still, General…so much more exciting than “Head of the Financial Department”, isn’t it? No. I got this job on my merits. Mine. No one cares about numbers, about order, the way I do. It is called the First Order after all.

Well, before I go too far down a rabbit hole—you know, I might take that cup of tea you mentioned earlier? Yes, thanks. No sugar. Waste of coin, you know. As I was saying, Kylo Ren destroyed yet another incredibly expensive piece of technology…due to some sort of fit. I believe it had to do with a girl? Something like that. He’s so tetchy. Only this time, the technology he destroyed was actually just a bit priceless. It’s to keep Starkiller’s base from overheating, shall we say. Extra security. We have extra safeguards in place, but I wanted this final piece. It was a good investment, and after all the investigating I did into the Empire’s old financial records, well, it was easy to see the Death Star, well, both of them, could have benefitted. So, I called up the engineer, have it in place, very expensive, but less expensive than having to rebuild Starkiller Base…*chuckles* Well, the engineer is the only one in the galaxy who can do it. Or should I say, could. He’s dead now.

Well, Little Miss Emotional Princess Ren just had to have a absolute tizzy on it. Hux told me not to worry about it, but he doesn’t think like I do. Doesn’t plan. And why does this keep happening? We’re spending an absolute wealth of riches on Kylo repairs. I know he has dazzling hair, and I know it makes everyone a bit soft with him, but that doesn’t happen naturally. I have the receipts to prove just how much product goes into making that happen.

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So, I had to sneak in to see Snoke, of course, he never enjoys seeing me, but I’m sorry Supreme Leader Snoke, will the FORCE just produce credits?!?! I think not. Well, I needed a bit of force ghost chatting…necromancy…whatever with this ghost so I might get the technology replaced. And he’s dead, so I was quite certain we’d be getting a freebee.

Ugh. Seeing Snoke is terrible. I wonder if he really is that size…because if not, I could be saving  a fortune on a smaller hologram. He muttered something about how raising the dead for engineering purposes not being how the force works but, well, General Hux isn’t the only soulless ginger in the family. I told him, dark lord or no, I needed this fixed or he was going to have to account for some expenditures himself. And I also wanted hologram receipts from him.

Eventually, it all worked out..thank goodness..only for me to wake up this morning to the sound of a lightsaber grating on metal. Besides my computer being ruined, the little Ren brat made a hole in my door. And I’m pretty sure he stole my eyeliner. But no worries, though, I found his book of poetry. If he doesn’t want that broadcasted over the morning announcements, he’ll cough my cosmetics up.tumblr_nzrr8m6J4G1rqphiwo1_400.gif

At least the ghostly engineer will have the repairs done soon, and I can rest easy. I mean, can you imagine, something happening to this entire base? *chuckles* It’d be a disaster…and I’d have to clean it up.. *laughs* Nothing like that could possibly happen, right?

—Lieutenant Adelaide Hux, Head of the Financial Department of the First Order

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“I don’t know if you know this, but only the members of Emperor Ming’s court can wear the shiniest polyester. Perfect example, I’m Ming’s royal robe designer, which he says is not considered a high status. I mean, hello?! Mingo City would be blinded by a naked Ming if it weren’t for me! Yet, here I am wearing the cheap, flammable stuff. I hope that Flash Gordon guy kicks his ass.

Wait, don’t tell Ming I said that or the part about his old, wrinkly body blinding people.”

– Norma, Royal Robe Designer; Ming City, Mongo Galaxy

Flash Gordon (1980)

 

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