Monthly Archives: February 2016

Case #7, Marguerite

 

“Yeah, I do their hair…What of it? Look, girl, I’m not like the rest of these freaks you got in here. I think you’re worrying over nothin’, Doc. Okay, yeah, there was that one incident with Thor but…like does he have to always call himself the Son of Odin? It gets old.

“So I chopped off more than I should have. Big deal. It’ll grow back. Besides, his ends were splitting from the bleach…What? You didn’t know that? Yeah, he bleaches his hair to get itsteve rogers.gif a little lighter. Needs help, unlike that handsome piece of man, Steve Rogers. Makes me wanna be America cause he is one fine Captain, you know what I’m saying? Don’t roll your eyes at me, Doc. I know you’ve noticed at least one Avenger in your lifetime, or are you a Loki girl? You look like a Loki girl.

“Anyways, I just figured, Prince Lightening-Bolt Thunder Hammer needed to calm down with his pompous nonsense. So he got a little trim…Okay, it was a shave. Sue me.

“Say, Doc, your hair looks like it could use some layering…”

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Case #6: Lillian Branski

Dr. Leopardskin: What is it like working for Cruella De Vil?

Lillian: You know, I have this re-occurring nightmare where I am in her office and she keeps telling me to get Harper’s Bazaar on the phone, and I look down and my hands have been replaced by mink fur muffs. So, I can’t get Harper’s Bazaar on the phone.

She starts yelling, “GET HARPER’S BAZAAR ON THE PHONE!!!” I tell her I can’t, and she clubs a baby seal. She yells again. I tell her my hands are muffs, and she clubs another baby seal. This goes on until a pile of baby seals starts to form. She manic laughs as she clubs more baby seals. I still can’t get Harper’s Bazaar on phone, and then, Gene Kelly rises out of the dead baby seal mountain, and he’s just about to do his Singin’ in the Rain routine when I wake up in a cold sweat.

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Ms. De Vil terrifies me. She’s pretty much ruined Gene Kelly for me. I can’t look at a baby seal without fainting. You know, she made Diana Vreeland cry once.

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Yes, the Diana Vreeland of Vogue, the former reigning queen of fashion.

Well, we were at a meeting for Ms. De Vil’s feature in the magazine, and Diana told Ms. De Vil that her armadillo berets (from three seasons ago, mind you) were atrocious and that she wasn’t going to use them in her magazine, ever.

Ms. De Vil stood up, practically cheek to cheek with Diana, and told her that her face was atrocious, so atrocious that it would make a fabulous beret. Diana’s face melted! Can you believe it?! Oh! And one time, she made the Smithsonian clone the wooly mammoth so that she could turn it into a coat with a matching hat and gloves.

She’s such a horrible person. She hates puppies. She treats me like crap, and on every third Wednesday, she drinks the blood of virgins. I know this because I have to warm it up to 97.8 degrees and add half a teaspoon of vanilla grown by shamans in Madagascar because she likes the sweet/irony combo. The stuff has to be served to her in a hand-blown crystal chalice from Northern France, or else she’ll throw it in my face.

It doesn’t taste half bad, actually.

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Dr. Leopardskin: Your boss sounds like a very toxic person, Lillian. I think you should consider finding a job that is more suitable for a healthy psyche.

Lillian: (looks appalled) Are you kidding me?! Cruella De Vil is the most fabulous, most powerful woman on the planet! I want to be just like her!

-Lillian Branski, assistant to Cruella De Vil, London, UK.

101 Dalmatians (1961)

 

 

 

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Case #5, Marty

“JESSICA JONES IS A MENACE! No, I do not want more pills… Do you know what it is to be her downstairs neighbor? The racket alone is liable to make you insane. I went up there one time to see what it was. The child had no glass in her door, there were holes in the walls and everything. It’d be okay if she was nice once in a while, but I’ve never met someone ruder in my life. You know, back in my day, we had respect for our elders. Not this one, though.Jessica Jones 2

“She just breezed on past me, called me ‘Gramps’ and—why are you rolling your eyes at me? Don’t you roll your eyes at me young lady. I don’t care if you are my doctor. Do you know what it’s like? Not sleeping? It’s horrible. I barely can get up and go to the park for my daily chess matches with Arnie. You know, Arnie makes the best pastrami sandwiches. Yeah, for real. If you would stop rolling your eyes, I might get one for you Dr. Stardust. What is that you’re pouring in your glass? That better be tea, Missy. Do you know how unattractive it is for a woman to drink so much? Might be why you’re still single. You and Jessica have that drinking thing in common. Better be all you have in common.

“Jessica Jones and the company she keeps are impossibly loud. They’re all rude, too. She’s got like, what, a tweaker? Is that what they’re called these days? A pretty blonde who’s up to know good. That blonde from the radio, Trish-something-or-other. Pretty girl, but no respect, that one. I don’t like anyone who goes stomping through that apartment. Except, that one time, with the lad in the purple suit. He was from England, I think. Yes, he was quite nice.”

 

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