Category Archives: Film

Case #6: Lillian Branski

Dr. Leopardskin: What is it like working for Cruella De Vil?

Lillian: You know, I have this re-occurring nightmare where I am in her office and she keeps telling me to get Harper’s Bazaar on the phone, and I look down and my hands have been replaced by mink fur muffs. So, I can’t get Harper’s Bazaar on the phone.

She starts yelling, “GET HARPER’S BAZAAR ON THE PHONE!!!” I tell her I can’t, and she clubs a baby seal. She yells again. I tell her my hands are muffs, and she clubs another baby seal. This goes on until a pile of baby seals starts to form. She manic laughs as she clubs more baby seals. I still can’t get Harper’s Bazaar on phone, and then, Gene Kelly rises out of the dead baby seal mountain, and he’s just about to do his Singin’ in the Rain routine when I wake up in a cold sweat.


Ms. De Vil terrifies me. She’s pretty much ruined Gene Kelly for me. I can’t look at a baby seal without fainting. You know, she made Diana Vreeland cry once.


Yes, the Diana Vreeland of Vogue, the former reigning queen of fashion.

Well, we were at a meeting for Ms. De Vil’s feature in the magazine, and Diana told Ms. De Vil that her armadillo berets (from three seasons ago, mind you) were atrocious and that she wasn’t going to use them in her magazine, ever.

Ms. De Vil stood up, practically cheek to cheek with Diana, and told her that her face was atrocious, so atrocious that it would make a fabulous beret. Diana’s face melted! Can you believe it?! Oh! And one time, she made the Smithsonian clone the wooly mammoth so that she could turn it into a coat with a matching hat and gloves.

She’s such a horrible person. She hates puppies. She treats me like crap, and on every third Wednesday, she drinks the blood of virgins. I know this because I have to warm it up to 97.8 degrees and add half a teaspoon of vanilla grown by shamans in Madagascar because she likes the sweet/irony combo. The stuff has to be served to her in a hand-blown crystal chalice from Northern France, or else she’ll throw it in my face.

It doesn’t taste half bad, actually.


Dr. Leopardskin: Your boss sounds like a very toxic person, Lillian. I think you should consider finding a job that is more suitable for a healthy psyche.

Lillian: (looks appalled) Are you kidding me?! Cruella De Vil is the most fabulous, most powerful woman on the planet! I want to be just like her!

-Lillian Branski, assistant to Cruella De Vil, London, UK.

101 Dalmatians (1961)




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Case#2, Adelaide Hux

5EIH980I just… I’m just really stressed. Can I get a drink of water? Ah yes, thank you.

I know everyone thinks I just got this job because of my cousin, General Hux, but I have more talent than that daft, soulless ginger—everyone at home knows it. Only time I get any appreciation is around the holidays. Still, General…so much more exciting than “Head of the Financial Department”, isn’t it? No. I got this job on my merits. Mine. No one cares about numbers, about order, the way I do. It is called the First Order after all.

Well, before I go too far down a rabbit hole—you know, I might take that cup of tea you mentioned earlier? Yes, thanks. No sugar. Waste of coin, you know. As I was saying, Kylo Ren destroyed yet another incredibly expensive piece of technology…due to some sort of fit. I believe it had to do with a girl? Something like that. He’s so tetchy. Only this time, the technology he destroyed was actually just a bit priceless. It’s to keep Starkiller’s base from overheating, shall we say. Extra security. We have extra safeguards in place, but I wanted this final piece. It was a good investment, and after all the investigating I did into the Empire’s old financial records, well, it was easy to see the Death Star, well, both of them, could have benefitted. So, I called up the engineer, have it in place, very expensive, but less expensive than having to rebuild Starkiller Base…*chuckles* Well, the engineer is the only one in the galaxy who can do it. Or should I say, could. He’s dead now.

Well, Little Miss Emotional Princess Ren just had to have a absolute tizzy on it. Hux told me not to worry about it, but he doesn’t think like I do. Doesn’t plan. And why does this keep happening? We’re spending an absolute wealth of riches on Kylo repairs. I know he has dazzling hair, and I know it makes everyone a bit soft with him, but that doesn’t happen naturally. I have the receipts to prove just how much product goes into making that happen.


So, I had to sneak in to see Snoke, of course, he never enjoys seeing me, but I’m sorry Supreme Leader Snoke, will the FORCE just produce credits?!?! I think not. Well, I needed a bit of force ghost chatting…necromancy…whatever with this ghost so I might get the technology replaced. And he’s dead, so I was quite certain we’d be getting a freebee.

Ugh. Seeing Snoke is terrible. I wonder if he really is that size…because if not, I could be saving  a fortune on a smaller hologram. He muttered something about how raising the dead for engineering purposes not being how the force works but, well, General Hux isn’t the only soulless ginger in the family. I told him, dark lord or no, I needed this fixed or he was going to have to account for some expenditures himself. And I also wanted hologram receipts from him.

Eventually, it all worked out..thank goodness..only for me to wake up this morning to the sound of a lightsaber grating on metal. Besides my computer being ruined, the little Ren brat made a hole in my door. And I’m pretty sure he stole my eyeliner. But no worries, though, I found his book of poetry. If he doesn’t want that broadcasted over the morning announcements, he’ll cough my cosmetics up.tumblr_nzrr8m6J4G1rqphiwo1_400.gif

At least the ghostly engineer will have the repairs done soon, and I can rest easy. I mean, can you imagine, something happening to this entire base? *chuckles* It’d be a disaster…and I’d have to clean it up.. *laughs* Nothing like that could possibly happen, right?

—Lieutenant Adelaide Hux, Head of the Financial Department of the First Order

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“I don’t know if you know this, but only the members of Emperor Ming’s court can wear the shiniest polyester. Perfect example, I’m Ming’s royal robe designer, which he says is not considered a high status. I mean, hello?! Mingo City would be blinded by a naked Ming if it weren’t for me! Yet, here I am wearing the cheap, flammable stuff. I hope that Flash Gordon guy kicks his ass.

Wait, don’t tell Ming I said that or the part about his old, wrinkly body blinding people.”

– Norma, Royal Robe Designer; Ming City, Mongo Galaxy

Flash Gordon (1980)


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