Category Archives: Star Wars

Star Wars Study, Case #3: Bibbe Rhodesian

“You see this girl. What’s her name… Ron… Rye… Rey! That’s it! Rey, like my late Uncle Rey-Rey. Rest his soul.”

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“Can you believe she’s in that new documentary about war the between The First Order and The Resistance? She’s practically a celebrity now, with having The Force and all. I just wish that she would’ve come into the boutique to see me first before she ran over all place in those butt awful rags I gave her a light-year ago.

(whispers) You know she’s an orphan right. Poor thing. She was barely out of her training bras when she came into my boutique, Couture Creations by Bibbe — I specialize in the finest couture creations in Jakku. Anyone who’s anyone on this planet shops with me because I’m the best, obviously. Anyway, the girl walks in just filthy, covered in sand, hair a mess, tore up from the floor up. She looked as hungry as a wookie at a human barbeque. I could not deal. I asked her where her folks were. She said that they just basically dropped her off in the middle of the desert and said they’d be back.

What kind of crazy shit is that to do to a child?!

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So, I do my good deed for the day, feed her and clean her up. I make clothes for sophisticated grown-ups, so I didn’t have anything for her to wear. I grabbed an old t-shirt and rummaged through the strap fabrics I had left over from my Nomadic Sand Goddess collection that year, which was the talk of the desert by the way.

Anyway, I found enough to throw together some capris, but it gets super hot on Jakku, and the girl is as white as a Storm Trooper uniform. So, I got the last minute idea to drape her in the fabric that was left and wrap her arms with bandages from that first aid kit I never used. I gave her something to wrap her head with for the sandstorms and heat, but those hideous goggles she had on, child. Those had nothing to do with me. I would have burned them and buried the ashes. They’re that hideous.

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Despite her terrible sense of style, I’m quite proud of Rey. I offered her a place to stay and a job in the boutique, but she chose to go it alone, just in case her folks came looking for her…(long awkward pause). But now, look at her. She’s famous! I’m sure I had a tiny part in her becoming a star and all. I just wish she would’ve worn that same outfit for so long. It’s tragic. I just hope she has a stylist now. If not, tell her to call me.”

– Bibbe Rhodesian, owner of Couture Creations by Bibbe, Jakku.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)

 

 

 

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Case#2, Adelaide Hux

5EIH980I just… I’m just really stressed. Can I get a drink of water? Ah yes, thank you.

I know everyone thinks I just got this job because of my cousin, General Hux, but I have more talent than that daft, soulless ginger—everyone at home knows it. Only time I get any appreciation is around the holidays. Still, General…so much more exciting than “Head of the Financial Department”, isn’t it? No. I got this job on my merits. Mine. No one cares about numbers, about order, the way I do. It is called the First Order after all.

Well, before I go too far down a rabbit hole—you know, I might take that cup of tea you mentioned earlier? Yes, thanks. No sugar. Waste of coin, you know. As I was saying, Kylo Ren destroyed yet another incredibly expensive piece of technology…due to some sort of fit. I believe it had to do with a girl? Something like that. He’s so tetchy. Only this time, the technology he destroyed was actually just a bit priceless. It’s to keep Starkiller’s base from overheating, shall we say. Extra security. We have extra safeguards in place, but I wanted this final piece. It was a good investment, and after all the investigating I did into the Empire’s old financial records, well, it was easy to see the Death Star, well, both of them, could have benefitted. So, I called up the engineer, have it in place, very expensive, but less expensive than having to rebuild Starkiller Base…*chuckles* Well, the engineer is the only one in the galaxy who can do it. Or should I say, could. He’s dead now.

Well, Little Miss Emotional Princess Ren just had to have a absolute tizzy on it. Hux told me not to worry about it, but he doesn’t think like I do. Doesn’t plan. And why does this keep happening? We’re spending an absolute wealth of riches on Kylo repairs. I know he has dazzling hair, and I know it makes everyone a bit soft with him, but that doesn’t happen naturally. I have the receipts to prove just how much product goes into making that happen.

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So, I had to sneak in to see Snoke, of course, he never enjoys seeing me, but I’m sorry Supreme Leader Snoke, will the FORCE just produce credits?!?! I think not. Well, I needed a bit of force ghost chatting…necromancy…whatever with this ghost so I might get the technology replaced. And he’s dead, so I was quite certain we’d be getting a freebee.

Ugh. Seeing Snoke is terrible. I wonder if he really is that size…because if not, I could be saving  a fortune on a smaller hologram. He muttered something about how raising the dead for engineering purposes not being how the force works but, well, General Hux isn’t the only soulless ginger in the family. I told him, dark lord or no, I needed this fixed or he was going to have to account for some expenditures himself. And I also wanted hologram receipts from him.

Eventually, it all worked out..thank goodness..only for me to wake up this morning to the sound of a lightsaber grating on metal. Besides my computer being ruined, the little Ren brat made a hole in my door. And I’m pretty sure he stole my eyeliner. But no worries, though, I found his book of poetry. If he doesn’t want that broadcasted over the morning announcements, he’ll cough my cosmetics up.tumblr_nzrr8m6J4G1rqphiwo1_400.gif

At least the ghostly engineer will have the repairs done soon, and I can rest easy. I mean, can you imagine, something happening to this entire base? *chuckles* It’d be a disaster…and I’d have to clean it up.. *laughs* Nothing like that could possibly happen, right?

—Lieutenant Adelaide Hux, Head of the Financial Department of the First Order

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